my computer just lost the post. i swear to god, the next thing is the last fucking straw. i am already breaking, broken. it’s just a matter of collapse.

I am filled with a latent rage.

It manifests itself in strange ways. I wear myself down and down until my skin is thin enough for the anger to get out and then it howls bloody murder at everything I know. It makes me resent what I should love and gets in the way of itself. My anger trips over its own feet and falls, screaming and frustrated, tears and sweat running down its face. My anger is a small child, lost and helpless and infuriated by the indignity of it all. My anger demands attention. It is a black hole, absorbing all that is good and solid and real around it, twisting it into some kind of idiotic, pointless semblence of a vortex. My anger does not spare anyone or anything, does not like anyone or anything. It does not like you. It will not spare you. It does not like me; it will not spare me. And I don’t like it, either. It knows that, though. It takes that energy and absorbs it and makes itself stronger, sucking me in, till instead of it being some dormant fierce creature inside me I am its long-gone prey, the weak dead thing inside of it.

mildly frustrated would be putting it gently.

I woke up at 4:54 this morning. Why? Because my parents were having loud sex. While at first I was just PISSED THE FUCK OFF BECAUSE I WAS ASLEEP, DAMMIT! I then asked the world some interesting questions.
1. Why are they having sex at 4:54 a.m.? Normal people are asleep at 4:54 a.m….like ME!
2. after 18 years of having kids, how has she not learned to be QUIET?
3. how do you tell your parents “you woke me up at 5 this morning and I hate it when you have loud sex.”????
4. it would be amusing if I weren’t so angry and sleepy that my mom makes the same sounds as I do. but that’s kind of weird and creepy to think about. are sex noises encoded in the DNA?

I also have not SEEN said parents all morning. Gee, I wonder why. They are probably lying in bed, exhausted, because they were up till 5 a.m. having sex!

Also it’s snowing. Or it was. but now it’s stopped. Which also pisses me off.

I hate mondays.

“it is like fucking a corpse. I am getting very frustrated.”

Being a woman and a friend to women or a girl and a friend to girls or whatever it is that I am, in this inbetween-place, is sickening me.

I am full of rage and fear and exhaustion and despair and still there is this flame of determination in me. Determination to make a healthier world, a more real world, or at least a real, healthy chunk of it. I crave authenticity, but more than authenticity, I crave acceptance. Acceptance of reality and real people.

Real people have opinions. Real people have fat on their bodies, cushioning and curves. They have angles too. They have squish and they have hair, all over them. They can make art and music with their minds and souls and hearts and hands and lips and bodies. They can have energy and coordination and drive and use it to compete or to learn or to create or to perform. People have their own favorite colors and patterns. People don’t all have white teeth or perfect eyesight or clear skin. They have thoughts in their minds and they are capable of enjoying life. They are capable of enjoying reading and writing and using their brains, as well as their bodies, or even abusing both.

This world keeps telling us no. Even the strongest, sassiest, most confident of my friends believes some of the “no”s.
But I want to say YES.

I want to say that you can have hair on your legs, you can bleed onto or into whatever device you choose, you can think, you can speak up, you can be mean. You can tell somebody the truth about what you think and that is OKAY. It doesn’t make you a bitch, it doesn’t make you unacceptable. You can have zits on your face or fat jiggling on your thighs and that is OKAY. It doesn’t make you ugly; it doesn’t devalue your humanity in any way. You can make art or play sports, you can hand out food or read books. You can wear whatever you think is pretty, not just what is “attractive” or “fashionable.” Who do you want to attract, anyways? Why should you devote the clothes you put on every day to “attraction”? Devote them to someone else? Why should they matter? Why should they care whether your clothes or your hair or your skin or your room’s decor or your music or your opinions are “right”?

What does it matter to you what they think?

The problem is that it does matter. It matters so much. Most of these insecurities do not belong to me. But they belong to everyone around me and it makes me sad, so sad. I want to throw these words in the faces of the people I love, the ones being eaten away by this acidic world. I want to throw them because I like pretending that could fix anything. It couldn’t. I don’t know how to fix things.

I love, and I am aware, and I try hard to open up people’s minds, and I suppose that is all I can do. Still I am filled with frustration and a burning need to try and make things better.

she’s the one who begged me, “take me home”

too much too much too much.
not enough hours in the day, and I forget to take my pills.

I can’t act/play handbells/talk to my friends/do my homework/get him off/clean my room/make my lunch/build set pieces/pretend to understand lighting…for various reasons, I just am incapable. I-fail.

What’s wrong with this? What’s wrong with this: in any world but mine, it would be okay to get As, and be in a play. In any world but my own, it would be respectable to be in a play and crew another and get As. In any world but mine it would be admirable to do that and handbells and try to figure out this depression thing.
But this is mine. And I still feel insufficient and inferior. I am not imagining this, either. I do not play a sport and I live close to school so the hours I put in don’t count. Everyone does this so complaints are sneer-worthy. (we are all breaking, too, but that part’s a secret)

My one small source of pride? I don’t drink coffee.
(granted this means the occasional day like today, where I must give in, but I still believe it to be healthier).
And that’s pathetic.

I sometimes wish to be dead. I don’t want to kill myself, this is clear to me and must be so to you. Suicide seems too sinister, too sudden. It seems vindictive and angry, to hurt those around you like that, to commit such a nonsensical, final act. What I want is not that. What I want is a quiet, simple…ending. Like the last page of a book. I want everyone to agree to this, to say “It’s okay, you can be done now” and I can go, into some sort of sleep or silence, without offense or anger or sadness or pain. I’m just so tired, so frustrated. I don’t see the point, there is no goal, no end in sight.
But there also isn’t any way to have that quiet, agreeable end. There is only the loud, angry, flashy, depressing, trite suicide, a crime against everything- nature, law, love- of which I refuse to be guilty.

I cannot believe that I am fighting this.

I wrote
at 11:27pm yesterday
why would you -want- McCain to win this?

The Bass-ackwards Boy wrote
at 11:33pm yesterday
im sick of the whole sensationalized obamarama mccain is simply our best option for a wartime president

I wrote
at 11:34pm yesterday
i’m kind of hoping to get this “wartime” shit over with as quickly as possible. although yeah, mccain does have more war experience.

The Bass-ackwards Boy wrote
at 11:36pm yesterday
experience in general is something obama lacks

I wrote
at 11:39pm yesterday
he also lacks bush flunky-ism.

The BB wrote
at 11:45pm yesterday
the bush administration was actually not at all a failure its just sensationalized liberal propaganda bullshitting the public into blaming the government for their own shortcomings

I wrote
at 11:51pm yesterday
jeez, get worked up much? also overuse the word sensationalized?

and, right, because nonsensical war is totally a public shortcoming.

and i never said it was a failure per se, i just think it had a large quantity of mistakes and bad choices in policy.

The BB wrote
at 11:53pm yesterday
thats looking at the war in a negative light. i regard the war as a success in most senses.

I wrote
at 11:55pm yesterday
then can we agree to disagree, for now at least? I am too tired to go into that one.

The BB wrote
at 11:59pm yesterday
i think i know several million iraqis who are enjoying newfound freedom at the moment but i can see how that might not sit right with you

I wrote
at 12:12am
ok, guess not. um.

i think i know several hundred people dying every month but i can see how that might make you happy.

also, $3 trillion wasted dollars. to give you some idea of various ways that money could be put to use, some of which are even practical: http://warorcar.blogspot.com/ (though most of these are not practical or useful at all, a few are).

The BB wrote
at 12:27am
…buy a platinum diamond studded vibrator for every woman in the americas and europe. i can see how far the morals of this country have fallen. have the words duty and honor lost their meaning to you? these men are standing up for freedom fighting for God and country. defending your FREEDOM of speech to write such articles is hardly a “waste” as you put it. im sure every single one of our boys fighting out there would be disgusted and offended at such ingratitude. its because of this kind of frivolous immature abuse of such freedoms that has cause the moral backbone of our society to fall apart. i am truely afraid of when our generation holds the power because they will continue this kind of wild irreverent sense of entitlement only when everything falls apart around us will they realize FREEDOM ISNT FREE!

I wrote
at 1:08am
i think we’re overpaying, winning the hatred of the rest of the world, losing money that could be useful! so many things need doing – oh, i’m sorry, what was that about “everything falling apart around us”? don’t you see, it is falling apart already?

abstinence only sex ed.
ten-year-olds who can barely read.
a huge hole in the ozone layer, growing rapidly, and a planet getting ever warmer.
gas that no one can afford, and ino one realizing that this is probably a good thing because it gives Americans with this “wild irreverent sense of entitlement” a motivation to actually think about their earth-destroying habits.

also, what in the hell is wrong with vibrators? i mean. platinum diamond studded ones are stupid and wasteful. sexual pleasure, however, is good, important, and underappreciated. the work force would probably be a good deal more productive if people were more sexually satiated, although as far as i know that is an untested hypothesis.

The BB wrote
at 1:27am
overpaying? were talking about the defense of man’s God-given rights there is NO PRICE you can say is too much for the protection of the freedom of our great nation and to share that freedom with the world. i find it funny that you can pay so much for the poor and underprivileged at home and be so stingy when it comes to the rights of your fellow man overseas.
thank you, by the way, for supporting my point that things are falling apart because it is the moral failing in our society that encourages such reckless dissent and causes us to be a nation divided on issues such as this. we must stand together and protect our freedom or youre just as good as those trying to destroy it. do not give in to this sort of liberal media propaganda which is trying to undermine the moral backbone which has given our nation such unity before.
The BB (Baltimore, MD) wrote
at 1:32am
abstinence is the only way to teach sexual education as handing out condoms and similar practice only encourage frivolous reckless and careless sex among the underage and the irresponsible. this also gives a rise to the need for abortion which is MURDER. as for global warming it is just a theory. you cannot amend my God-given right as an american citizen to drive whatever i want simply because you strongly suspect some polar bears are out of a home. as for the prices of gasoline we have some of the lowest internationally and john mccain is REDUCING OUR DEPENDENCY ON FORGEIN OIL.

I wrote
at 1:53pm
you know what gives rise to a need for abortion? people having babies who can’t take care of them. you know what gives rise to that? not knowing how to use or not having access to birth control.

i never said a damn thing about “amending your God-given right as an american citizen to drive whatever you want” (although I don’t think God ever said anything about what car you can drive, and I don’t think the Constitution says your rights are given by God). You -can- drive whatever you want, but maybe you should think about it first.

you know what else would reduce our dependency on foreign oil, besides drilling at home? oh, i don’t know, perhaps reducing our dependency on oil in general would be a good thing.

dissent is never reckless. dissent, in fact, is the backbone of this country, not your morals. constant questioning is what keeps policy relevant and useful.

ugh. I cannot believe this. What’s worse is we’re both too stubborn to give in or shut up. Who knows when it will end.