everyone must belong somewhere…

I am so ready to slip out quietly, quietly, softer than a candle snuffed by two wet fingertips. Take all those pills and fizzle out, or dig a blade in deep. Really how deep would it have to be? not very. at the thin part, my wrists are little more than an inch thick, and arteries are buried in the middle. I held the knife I used to cut a mango with the tip to the skin over my heart. Juliet. Just held it there – no tremors, surprisingly enough. Then I held it to my neck- not the tip but the long sharp blade. The steel is so cold and so frightening.

Frightening.

I am too afraid. My fear is keeping me alive. Fear does that. It keeps us from going into bear caves and things like that. I hate that what keeps us alive is fear. Fear. In Donnie Darko their health teacher says that every emotion sits on a spectrum between fear and love. Shouldn’t love keep us alive, not fear? Although I suppose it does. Where does misery fall? Closer to fear than love, right? But misery doesn’t keep us alive. None of this makes any sense.

The steel is so cold.

ETA I think I am going out tonight, for a long walk in the dark wetness. The cold rain can only do me good. After my parents go to bed, I’ll go out. Maybe even to that post-post-prom. cold rain and friends…this is probably a good idea. i can sneak back in early, or not. wander home and get yelled at. either way i need out, so it doesn’t matter…