one of those days.
April 17, 2009i told my father that i was sick. he got my mother and i told her the truth: “i can’t go to school because i haven’t done my work because i feel like shit all the time and can’t focus.” so she called my therapist who made an emergecy appointment and recommended that i not be left alone, as i told her on the phone that i had been self-injurious and suicidal “only all the time.” so my father is staying home from work with me, and i’m not allowed to stay in my room, i have to stay on the couch. he’s watching t.v. in the kitchen and being genial, but i can sort of tell that the not-exactly-resentment has been seeded inside him, and is slowly growing. if i keep this up it will be bad. i want to feel okay again, not like i’m using all my energy for the sole purpose of convincing myself that i do not want to be dead and that it is bad to hurt myself. i hate that this is eating me up.
cherry and i talked once the other day about how sometimes it seems like it would be so much easier to do something drastic and rash, and be put in the hospital, and get a break from it all, instead of constantly feeling shitty and having to deal with real life, too. either way it fucks your future. either you’re out of school, or your parents think you’re too unhealthy to go away to college, or whatever, or you are too much a mess to focus. i know for a fact this is bringing my grades down, and all my drive to do well, or care. i know for a fact this is ruining my friendships. i wish i believed in god enough to think some solution might miraculously appear if i prayed hard enough, suffered long enough.
and since i am stuck in the living room, i cannot listen to conor, he who understands the painful subtleties of my life…>.<
I love you. It’s going to be okay. I will come visit you Sunday and give you lots of hugs and we can watch logo and cuddle and take pictures or bake or go climb trees in the field and it will be a happy, stress-free day. (These are all the things I want someone to say to me when I feel that way, even though I know they won’t help much). You should try outpatient. Seriously. When I am in the situation of hospital or no hospital, outpatient is the perfect in-between. You can stay in school, but you get the support you need. Sheppard Pratt has several outpatient programs and it accepts most health insurance. They also have group meetings in the evenings some days- like group therapy, but it’s free and for young people with depression, sort of like “emo kids anonymous”. Clara told me about the one for ED and says it’s been really helpful.
Please go to their website and check it out. For you, an after-school program would be really helpful in providing a supportive environment. It seems lame and unhelpful, but the times I get most depressed are in the evenings when I’m home alone. We don’t do our homework anyways, so why not do something else constructive with that time, like go to group therapy sessions or make art about how angry you are the the uncaring world around you?
(art therapy sounds ridiculous and often is, but sometimes it is awesome and helpful.)
That being said, conor can – and should- be played in all rooms of your house, at all times.
Baby.
I love you.
I… you know how I feel. call whenever. you’re amazing.