I am feeling strange and desperate. Not like work but more like blood. My eyebrows have been furrowed for hours – I don’t know but I feel the way I do when everything’s coming apart at the seams. Nothing is though. It’s very very odd and I just want to go to sleep, which I could if I would do my goddamn french homework.
the “iwishiweredead” feeling still hasn’t gone away. it always seems like the most appropriate solution until I realize it isn’t – that is, it always comes to mind first, and it always seems appropriate.
my skin is getting awfuller and awfuller and so are my grades. I manage to raise one and suddenly things I was taking for granted are slipping out from under my feet. I don’t want to tell my mother because I want to go to Columbia this summer and I don’t want to give her more reasons to say no. I want the only reasons for her to say no to be purely financial, because then no one can blame me.
all I want is for everything to go away and leave me and the earth and the sun and the feeling of being loved.

we have built this ship in a wine bottle.

I am this close to crying every second. I haven’t been eating much and I’m not hungry, either. Today I have eaten: lucky charms, one swedish fish. I don’t know what to do because I can’t focus long enough to read half a page. I certainly can’t write and I spend too much time talking to Leah as it is (it’s so easy) and I’ve been “cleaning” all day which is code for “not doing anything.” and I got a tumblr but I feel guilty angsting too much over there because … I just do. So I’m back here and I keep having trouble thinking because all I can think is “iwishiweredeadiwishiweredeadiwishiweredead” which isn’t the same thing as being suicidal which isn’t the same thing as not having anything sharp in my shower-hour and being sad about it.

I just keep curling back up underneath the blankets because it’s safe there.

“I wanna be the surgeon that cuts you open, and fixes all of life’s mistakes; I wanna be the house that you were raised in, the only place that you feel safe; I wanna be your shower in the morning, that wakes you up and makes you clean.”

rainbaby.tumblr.com

spring cleaning

found under my bed:
one (1) issue of cosmopolitan, august 2008 edition.
seven (7) functioning, full mechanical pencils and
one (1) silver sharpie and
one (1) bold black pen
three (3) socks, unmatched
two (2) phone manuals, one in english, one in spanish, as well as a bilingual brochure
one (1) sailor moon journal [technically sailor V]
one (1) tube of eucerin hand creme

TOO DUSTY TO CONTINUE.
Point of no return…If you never see me again, I have been mummified by dust bunnies and rabid pens.

in a nutshell.

the most wonderful thing.

The sun rises every day. Every single day, whether you see it or not, the sun swims across the sky. Never stopping- more reliable, even, than the USPS. Behind rainclouds and snowclouds, the sun is gliding along his curved road. Nothing bothers him.