“hi, fuck me?”

is how I am feeling right now.

any takers?

define “panic attack”

is it the feeling of not being able to pay attention in geometry?
of closing my eyes tight, arms crossed, ears suddenly somehow closed?
of only being able to focus on one horrible thing: her voice in my head saying “you’re just like him” even though she never said that, only that “hooking up with you is just like hooking up with him and that scares me”?
of only barely being able to think any of this because it scares me too?

“and they asked her why she wrote that song, ‘I Hate Mondays,’ and she said, ‘I hate Mondays.’”

f

“We’re not even technically dating anymore!”
“Ooh…because of…the thing?”
“No, we were still going out after that.”
“Oh…”
“And I mean. We’re only sort of not together.”
“So do you still like him?”
Shrug.  “Some of the time.”
“So are you two fuck-buddies now?”
“No! We are not just ‘fuck-buddies.’ We are still close. We are like best friends plus sex.”
“Oh—“
“In fact all my relationships are like best friends plus sex! Fuck! I need to go have a crisis now!”

“you’re beautiful, but you don’t mean a thing to me”

but not.

 

I feel better now that it is not 6 am, now that the power’s back on, now that I’ve seen the marks on my skin. I feel better now that we’re not both going through the late-night crazies. I feel better now with blueberry pancakes and pizza in my tummy. I feel better now.

Clearly I Have Made Some Bad Decisions.

I can’t breathe. I keep having to remind myself to. Inhale exhale inhale exhale.

We should not have done that. For your sake I hope things will be okay.

It’s cold and I wish I could rewind. Stop the power going out, stop us.

The birds are chirping away out there. I think I hate mornings-after, or maybe just bad confusing ones.

I’m never going to get anything done. My neck is bruised and my legs are cramped and I don’t want to go to rehearsal today, just to curl up in my bed and sleep for weeks. My body is too jittery to sleep now.

All I can think about is that autopsy-slice down my middle, and the dream I had that he died. all of unit 13 died. surprise attack in the forest. I couldn’t believe it. Calls, emails, facebook messages all unresponded to and then I had to believe it. nightmares.
it’s easy to tell what they mean.

I almost wish real life made that kind of sense, but I don’t think I should need anyone to die to know what’s going on.

there is a greek goddess of a girl two computers away. soft curls of short hair around her face. big nose, big lips, big brown freckles. I am in love. It is one of those days.