pt 1, or, “baby got druuuunk”

I wanted to write about last night earlier but I couldn’t. I didn’t have very many good words to describe it.

I think I am losing myself.

I think I am finding myself.

All I know is that things are changing rapidly, that cherry is right when she says that I am growing up so fast or too fast or whatever it is she says. I did things yesterday I have never done before.

I got in a boy’s car because cherry trusts him, a boy I never met before. He bought us cheap kosher candy-wine and he drank a sip or two because he had the car and also only one kidney. Cherry and I made the rest disappear.

I drank half a bottle of red wine. I got drunk. Me, me. I myself and not an angel, I myself and not a messenger, I myself and not a seraph.

I touched somebody without being scared. I let her hands and lips be everywhere, almost, and I let myself do the same. I almost kissed her. I almost broke something very, very fragile and very new. Their relationship is like a baby: you have to hold it carefully and not drop it because it still has soft bendy bones that break easily.

I was not-secretly masochistic and it didn’t bother me to indulge the same thing in someone else.

I screamed and laughed and made phone calls and sent texts and took my clothes off in public (although I’ve been known to do that anyways).

I told her the truth about loving her and accepting everything for how it is, about how I hate him, don’t hate him, he makes her so happy so I can’t hate him. at least now the metaphorical cat is out of the bag, not that it ever was very much in a bag, but we don’t have to pretend that we don’t want things. and I think I still have something extra for not raping cherry, for only screaming when I’m told no.

I lied to my mother and slept in somebody else’s bed and threw up in their trash can.

I abused the internet and my cell phone and was ridiculous.

I was honest.

I was happy. I had fun, a new kind of fun which is special and should stay rare, I think, if only out of pure inconvenience. But I wish I could do some of these things without the wine. The fearlessness and the honesty and the laughter and the love.